Serenity

I'm hurting

2010-05-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

my heart hurts..
it hurts so much

it's not that kind of bleeding hurt
it's a weighty hurt.

it hurts.
and it's heavy

have you ever that feeling before?

reading those back and forth comments..
ahhh..

it makes me feel like i lost the world.

what's your world?

Auntie

2010-05-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

My favorite aunt called 911 today.
stayed at the ER.
and now..
five hours later.

is going through surgery.
my God.
my heart is beating so fast now.
it's hard to breathe.

mom says its nothing big.
but how? that "s" word.
sears the heart.

i have to keep my grandparents calm.
make excuses.
how can i?
keep a straight, calm, happy face.
it's piercing through

I'm scared for her.
I don't want to lose her.
I feel sad.
incredible, my heart's sagging.
it's weighed down it's so heavy.
tears are welling.

why.. ?

this brings me to my next point.
she's getting married in a few months.
i feel like i'm going to lose her.
nothing's going to be the same again.
she's starting her own life with her other half.

this is painful.

reflecting upon what's happened so far in this year;
i realized that there has been so many things thrown in my face.
they come quick too.
i think i'm growing up.
oh life. what a cycle it is.

but please,

Hold on.
don't stop your breathing
I see your dreams and
I feel them too
Hold on
Dont lose your faith
I know you cant break
Im hoping and

Praying for you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwXz_AZyIOA

I love my aunt.

2010-05-02T02:28:00.000-07:00

prom's coming up.
i have some things to say.
i bought this dress. and i think it's really pretty.
it fits really well too.
tailored just right.
and cost way too much.
but i think it's worth it.
but i'm not wearing it.
i'm going to wear my 8th grade promotion dress
either that. or last year's prom dress.

great day, great day.

at 10:50pm today, i couldnt sleep.. after being extremely sleepy.
i was at my grandma's house. then i abruptly left.
cried on the car while driving home,
and decided to drive around on a street i never drove on in hacienda.
i drove home, up to my neighbor's house and stopped next to their curb.
i parked my car and turned it off. sat there
and just sat.

i needed a tight, long hug from someone.
who? no body.
no one at this time would be awake.
nope, parents or aunts won't work.
had to be a friend. a close one too.
who who who??

AC. got it.
looked for my phone. and realized that i forgot it at gramp's

i thought, forget it. i'll just go and knock on her window at her house.
drove straight there.
and couldn't get to her lighted window.
tried twice, and couldn't do it.
sat in my car parked next to her house for an hour..11:50pm

left, gave up and went back to gramps.
had no key or phone, so i climbed their wall.. which would be my second time.
scratched my arm on the brick wall.. but i got over, huffing and puffing my brains out.
all their lights were turned off.
all the doors locked.
i was locked outside.
and so i sat, outside in the backyard, for about an hour.

i decided to go home after that hour.
and i got home at 1:30am.

and no one woke when i came home.
i felt alone.
miserable
and unwanted.

and here i am.
suffering from insomnia.
great.

facebook seems to be my best friend.
i have no friends.
i needed that tight squeeze of a hug SO badly.

i..

i don't know anymore.
what am i to do?

The Loss of a Friend

2010-03-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

As the end of the spring play/musical You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown approached; I was deeply hurt by the actions of a very close friend of mine. It's been a while since we last talked. I'm starting to wonder if he knows or even has the slightest idea what happened.

We don't acknowledge each other. At all.

I often wonder how long this will drag on. When's he going to confront me about it all? He's changed so much since this play ended. I am appalled by many of his actions and i wish he'd change back to the nice person he was.
Sadly, people change over time and regression maybe impossible most of the time, unless some catalyst compels him to do so.

He's abandoned my friend and me. Before he got his license, we would go out after rehearsals - to eat mcdonalds ice cream, to sing and yell in the car, to vent, to do everything together. Then one day after he passed his license test, he just abandoned us. He didn't even ask us where or what we were going to do after the first week of performance. Oh man, that was a terrible night. My friend and I just sat in the car.. talking about how we got completely kicked aside by him. Oh the glory we felt.

It hit me then. My heart sank and a huge weight sat on it. I was about to cry. Even now, thinking about it and typing it out here jerks my heart strings. I got used by someone i thought was a close friend.

Usually, whenever i meet someone, i would get these vibes - good or bad. And usually when i get a bad vibe, i'd see it through and it would be right. But in this case, it was the opposite.. and in the end, the fall is excruciating.

I made it SO obvious that i was ignoring him, yet he goes on as if nothing's wrong!
Why does he do that? why doesn't he confront me?!
That's what bugs me the most.
Like nothing's wrong.

I blame it on peer pressure.
He's extremely prone to peer pressure!
But he has to overcome that. He HAS to!
I'm sure he knows better.. But he's letting it get to him.

We'll see how long I have to wait.

02/11/2010

2010-02-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

Hm. Well today I sure did have a lot of different emotions going through my mind.
Right now I'm feeling a bit melancholy with a sprinkle of sadness on top.
Anyways. I had a humungo argument with my brother today.
He's always playing video games. And that's basically what the argument was about. I did something terrible today. He walked off from the car in the parking lot and I drove home. Of course, we were close to my grandma's house, so he went there.

Oh and as I drove home, a POLICE CAR almost hit me.. it turned into the center divider and was just going to cut into my lane.. so he/she turned on their lights and sound thingy. For a split second, I thought I was doomed. I pulled over to the curb.. but it sped away.. that was seriously a thank God moment.
Now I know what they mean when they say don't drive when you're emotional.

Anyways. There's this secret I have. And I believe I'm making a fool out of myself. I am, actually. Stupid, Retarded me. You know that phrase all people are fools when in love? Well that kinda applies here, if ya catch what I'm saying. Ha.
(by the way, I think the phrase "I love you" is SO overrated.. just sayin')

Yeah. This was my day. My brother's asleep.. so great. I accomplished my goal today.
(:

He's never slept this early before.
I think I should get going as well.
(I'm feeling so jiggly inside.. well my heart. heee)

<3

Life...What's There to It?

2010-02-07T21:00:00.001-08:00

Another week has gone and past. I'm just plowing through life forcefully, it seems. I feel so burdened and trapped. There are so many corners in life that I can't straighten. I'm at a loss. Everyday at school, I seem and feel completely normal; but I'm really hurting inside. These build up of feelings make me feel so needy; I develop a want of leaning on some one. I constantly feel alone and scared sometimes. Envy and sadness overcomes my heart when I see other people smiling happily.

These days just seem so meaningless for me. I know God's the one I should turn to, but I CAN'T SEE HIM OR FEEL HIM. I feel so dang lazy to ask Him for help. Who can I turn to? I feel so empty and just blah. A blank piece of paper.I really hate asking other people for help. I know how it feels to be burdened in a way, so I connect the idea of "asking for help" with burden. It's so retarded and stupid and idiotic.

I don't even know why I'm feeling this way now. Maybe it's because of.. I DON'T EVEN KNOW! I feel like crying. I need to be loved more. Where's my comfort when I need it? It's not here. I have to grow up so fast. In one day my life changed.

This is the new life I'm living. Now I'm not so sure that I'd like to be independent anymore. I can't stand the words "goodbye". I absolutely despise them now. They bite at my tongue; I want to spit them out and trample on it and wish they never existed.

Not only do I hate goodbyes, I hate being stuck in between two situations; not know who to support. I also really hate keeping secrets, and acting normal around those people who I'm keeping the secrets from.

Life is hard. Isn't it?

But I stand by myself and look at other people. Their lives seem to be filled with worry-free happiness. I secretly want to be like the others: smart, pretty, happy, filling. What useless thoughts.

Useless, all of them. Just useless.
Bottled up, just waiting to explode.

Love Paradise by Kelly Chen

2010-02-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

This is such a beautiful song.

I would play it at my wedding. :)
the weird thing is, i'm listening to this song while being sad right now.
ironic huh?

lyrics:
You're always on my mind
All day just all the time
You're everything to me
Brightest star to let me see
You touch me in my dreams
We kiss in every scene
I pray to be with you through rain and shiny days

I'll love you till I die
Deep as sea
Wide as sky
The beauty of our love paints rainbows
Everywhere we go
Need you all my life
You're my hope
You're my pride
In your arms I find my heaven
In your eyes my sea and sky
May life our love paradise

You're always on my mind
All day just all the time
You're everything to me
Brightest star to let me see
You touch me in my dreams
We kiss in every scene
I pray to be with you through rain and shiny days

<3

THE ULTIMATE TEST [from God]

2010-01-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

oh man oh man I WAS SO ANGRY YESTERDAY. I WANTED TO KILL SOME PEOPLE. I WANTED TO CONDEMN THEM TO HELL. and i think i did.. which was very wrong. but it just seems so wrong.. i'm in a situation where some of you might never experience. and it's not until you experience it for yourself that you'll understand where i'm coming from. or maybe i was just crazy..

anyways. a LOT of things happened the past few weeks.
but you know what? I think its all a test that God's giving me... and it's a really really hard one and.. one that is very hard for me to accept.

Here's my story......

you see, my grandma used to live 20 minutes from where church has their snow day.. but then she became very sick because the altitude was too high and she didnt get enough oxygen. so they moved to rowland heights, near us, hacienda heights.

but you see no one lived in that house up there. so we left 3 of our dogs there to "guard" the house.. yeah that's our alarm system.. -_- lame, right? (this is part of the problem)

and so a few years after.. i think 1.5 years at least.. or less? i forgot. someone/people complained that our dogs were running around on the streets up there or something.. and then we got some notices that said if we dont remove them we'll get cited and go to court. something like that. so finally we gave two of them away and kept one at my house.

that was last october/november.
then recently, meaning a few weeks ago, my dad drove up there to check on everything. because some church up there wanted to borrow our house for a retreat. and then when he got up there
everything was gone. like the house was empty.
all the bed/mattress/bed frames, sofas, tables, desktop computer (a REALLY OLD ONE), washer/dryer machines, all the clothes, nearly, the chandelier.. just EVERYTHING was gone.. there was one bed left. and all our pictures and videos/tapes were just lying on the floor.. it was really scattered everywhere.. it was SO messy.

(i havent acutally been up there myself. but i saw the pictures.)

and when i heard about all this, i was just so angry. but then after a few days, i eventually prayed and told God to forgive these people.. maybe they really needed it or something. idk.

so.. i think a few days later (this sunday) my mom went up there to see the mess.. and then the people cameback. for my parent's house. they broke the sliding glass door and came in and lugged our bed away. and my grandma's surrounding gate was unlinked in the back completely.. the hole was so big that you could drive a car through it. (we have a lot of bushes around in the back so i think that's how they did it)

on sunday, when i heard this.. i was finished with sports alrready and while i drove home to pack up my things to spend the night at my grandma's house, i started to cry. i asked God why he did all this to me,my family. why did he bring such a disaster to us. all the time,i knew though, this wasnt even comparable to the Haitians. but still it's a pretty big blow. especially with the memories of that place.

so the plan was this:
my parents decided to live there. that night (sunday to monday, today) and so they brought my brother back home.
they only took a few hours to get back up there. but then when they got back up there and checked everything, our stove was missing.. so we concluded that SOMEONE must be monitoring us.

I WAS SO ANGRY. IT WAS AFTER I FOUND OUT THAT THAT I STARTED TO RANT AND BECOME SO ANGRY. i was filled with sadness and hate towards who ever did that. OH HOW BRAVE OF THEM to just barge in and try to SALVAGE EVERYTHING LAST MINUTE. WHAT COURAGEOUS PEOPLE. OH THEY'RE NOT SCARED AT ALL.

what's the use of reporting it to the police? those lazy people dont do A THING FOR YOU. neither do those stinkin' neighbors. my dad told them we got robbed pretty badly and you know what they said? "that sucks"

WHAT THE HECK WHAT KIND OF RESPOSE IS THAT?! I BET IT WAS THEM WHO DID IT.

yeah. that's basically the long story.
i was just so angry.
i mean, who does that. SERIOUSLY.

now i'm home alone with my brother.
gosh what a seperated family, i feel so sad.. and sometimes scared.
i always have to be aware of our surroundings. it gets tiring.

but there's one positive. VERY positive thing that happened today, i shall write it in my diary tonight. (:

i'm an avid bible reader. whoohooo

A Very Random Post

2010-01-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

wow. so many things are going wrong.
today i just realized something very important..

and just now i just realized that i should place God on top of everything
just now. and he will guide me.

i'm going to try to wake up five minutes earlier everyday
to just have a moment with Him.

i'll make it one of my new year's resolutions..
i havent really made any anyways.
well i think i just created a new habit that's beneficial to myself..
and i did it without even knowing.. how awesome is that?

~

i had choir practice yesterday and boy was it nice to have a little exercise in such a long time.
i love the feeling of performing in a group.
such a nice reminicent feeling..

anyways i'm just typing whatever comes to mind.

~~
in the end, i know the best path to follow is only decided and guided with God
there is no other way!
HE can make the seemingly impossible possible.

the only hard part about that is believing it with ALL YOUR HEART!
there's that one passage in the Bible.

He can move mountains if you ask him to.
all we have to do is believe!
not one of His apostles ever did it.

-their faith was simply not strong enough.

well my relationship in comparison to theirs is uncomparable.
I fail.

SO. with this in mind,
i shall attempt and succeed!

FEARLESSLY MARCH..ing through this terror filled life!

One Heck of a Week.

2009-12-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

ai ya!
another hectic week is ending.
lots of things happened.. and yet i didn't blog about it.

Holiday Follies
first off with that, i was pretty disappointed by that. i mean, i wanted to sing all the christmas songs that i sang all throughout my years in choir. it just meant a lot to me. and the fact that i didn't get to sing them just crushed my mood through out the whole show(s). I skipped the circle thing; i never really liked the idea of saying something about someone when you can just do it in person. like privately. anyways.
after holiday follies, natrually, we'd all go to Denny's. it was crap. i stayed for like 45 minutes. Deborah and Ivy were there! it was the first time i've seen them since they graduated. well at least the second for deborah; since the summer. (: and yeah. my dad gave me a bunch of CRAP on the way back home. i despised it so much D<

and nexxtt..

LICENSE.
I GOT MY LICENSE.
at the whittier dmv. man it was quite a trip down there. i forgot my certificate of completion for the behind the wheel thing. omg it was crazy. so my appointment was at 3pm. i got there at 3pm and then found out i got the wrong slip of paper. i told the lady that i was going to look for it on the car. and on my way outta there,i told my momma to take me home to find it. ARGH. i knew i shoulda checked the night before. but you see, there was that chapter/section calc test. and yeah. i was trying to cram for that. which was unsuccessful.. but anywho. i got back at 4pm. and she let me take the test!! whooo
i got 9 wrong out of 15 max. man did i suck. -_-
i drove with the window down and it was freakin cold. she told me to roll the window down. and i didnt know if i could roll it back up.. i was dead silent during the whole drive.. i thought the lady was mean (at first) then at the end, when we came back, she was like "Ohhhkay! good job *smile* you can just park right there, it's fine... hmm this is waht you did wrong..." blah blahblach.. then "congrats! you passed (: "
word. i better had passed.

oh kay hm next

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN CHARLIE BROWN AUDITIONS
i was relatively disappointed. at myself, actually. i know i did terrible at auditions. my singing sucked.. i didnt sing the last phrase right!!!!!!!!!! OMG. yeah. and i didnt say the part (Sally Brown's part) well enough. i youtubed the play and the girl had a nasely childish voice. but i dont know. i decided against it. and i felt like i didnt analyze it better.. her character and all. it was huge chunk of a paragraph.. and i didnt think i builded enough. it was terrible. i blame it all on calc and the driving test. D<>
BUT. i am still upset about this whole shenanigan however..
i saw the call backs list today and i looked for my name. it wasnt there. and looked at it again; hoping that i just missed my name somewhere. it wasnt there. my heart just sank. i checked it during 1st and 2nd passing period. and my day just went downnnnn..
i really really really wanted a second chance. like REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WANTED A SECOND CHANCE AT IT.
but there's nothing i can do about it really. i just feel so remorseful that i didn't start during my freshman year. Oh how fun it would've been! how much i would've enjoyed it. but it's all gone now; or will be, in about six months.
I'm anticipating, yet sorrowful.. i don't want it to end! but i do, in a weird way.

You're a good mannn charlie brown!! you're the kind of reminder we neeed. you're a prince charlie brown and a prince could be a king!! you're a good mann charlie brownnn! you're a good mannn charlie brownnnn!

D';

THANK THE LORDDD!! UC APPS ARE DONE!!

2009-11-30T02:20:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG OMG I FINALLY SUBMITTED MY UC APPLICATION! WHOOOOT!
it feels SOOOOOO GOOOODD!!
there was no traffic. -_________- dem liars!
hahahaha just kidding! i prayed to God before i submitted it. Thank the LORD!
Now it's just cram time for the last SAT OF MY LIFE! 8O
haha. i'm good. can't wait for BREAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKK TO COME! OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN. I GOT THREE DRAMAS TO WATCH!
KOREAN:
- YOU'RE HANDSOME/YOU'RE PRETTY? something like that
CHINESE:
- MOMO LOVE
- AUTUMN'S CONCIERTO ??

YES YES YES YES YES I LOVE GOD FOR HELPING ME.
I LOVE IT I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM.
thank you God.
WHOOT WHOOOOOT!! :D it's 2am.

OMG 2PM! (teehee if you know what im talkingabouttt)
korea!

bye erebody!
<3333333333333

BIPOLAR DAD.

2009-11-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

oh man i had so many things to blog about.. in the past few weeks.. but if i did, i woulda seemed very very bipolar. gosh. i feel like cussing all the freakin time.

it's my dad. he's pissing me off.
he's suck a freakin creep. nasty guy. who's oberly obsessed with my mom.
he freakin puts her before GOD. what the f. seriously. he's making me not want to stay home. i can't wait to move out. but then again, i'd feel pretty bad for my mom and brother.

shoot. i had such a wonderful day too. today was the first time i got a 90% on a CHAPTER TEST in CALC. yeah i'm not WHOOHOO as i was before today anymore. he just burst my bubble. completely.

i'm pretty sure he's going to affect me later on. when i start dating and things like that. i have a feeling that i'll be really picky and mindful of things. what if i remain single for the rest of my life. how scary is that. -___________-
i'm a retard. shoot me now.

anyways.

shoot what the hell. 10 minutes ago he was yelling at me, giveing me the face. now he comes in and oh so nicely asks me if i want to eat. where as 10 minutes ago, he said eat now or dont eat at all. WHAT THE FU:EOGIHEPIOGUEJ. seriously this is SO FREAKIN BIPOLAR.
my dad's going mad. and i'm going down with him too.

;iOEGH:OIEJGEIOJEGI:Oj WHY?!

oh my GOD! help me. i'm going out of my mind.

Jeriel Huang

2009-11-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

I never had dealt with any death before. Today, well, just now, i found out that one of my elementary friends passed away from brain cancer. He had fought brain cancer... for i don't even know how long. I feel just so terrible terrible terrible; partly because i never got to know you very well. and, i feel guilty for taking life for granted every single day. I found out so many things today. I heard that you couldn't go to school, and when you did, you had a hard time just walking to class. I wish i had visited you, or just been there.
I never knew.. so much. The things you said. The things you went through. The pain you felt.. i don't know what to say. i feel a rush of guilt.. you didn't even live life, or finish high school. learn how to drive, get a college degree, feel the rush of freedom. then you left. just like that...? i can't imagine your pain.. wanting to do something, but can't.
Are you in a better place? What do you see? Is life fuller up there? Do watch us little people scrabling around? You left so early! i can't believe it. i just can't. you've game over'd already.
I can recall all the times i saw you in elementary school. While you were with RT from elementary school to middle school. Then you played basketball on the team. You were very intelligent too. You were part of the group of the last persons i'd think would have brain cancer. Saying all that you said to your family, must have been a very hard decision.
You lived on the line. the border. I'm sorry. just so sorry. I will think of you more often. In times of pain and hardships, i will think of you - elementary and middle school friend.

Rest In Peace, Jeriel.
11/10/09

2009-10-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

i must find my forever 21 reciept!! i hope they'll let me return the dress i bought two weeks ago for store credit. D: D: D:
i had the reciept!! i must've misplaced it somewhere! D; mann
and those shoes. from charolette russe!! i want to return them as well.. D: D: hopefully i can return it! :[ ughhhh

i feel so terrible.. i really can't believe how manythings i've misplaced this year already! :[

speaking of misplaced, i sort of reminiced about the past. like the way past. the days when i was young and my grandma was strong. i remember the day my mother was at the hospital on my brother's birth date.. we were sitting on the front steps of our door. it was almost dark, and the weather was just right for shorts and t-shirts. we sat there and looked up at the deep blue sky. she pointed to the airplanes that flew by one by one. we watched them pass.. waiting for my mother to come home with my new baby brother.

that memory of us is so painful! i wish i stayed that age forever (tuck everlasting)..
i dont know why, but it really hurts so much! i want to relive my younger years again. to spend that time with my grandma again.
i wonder if this is a harbinger to something.. i surely hope not. she's fine and healthy!

i love my grandma so much!

We End with a New Beginning.

2009-10-04T22:01:00.000-07:00

it's been made known to the whole family.
it's getting finalized soon.
we're going at month's end.
it's the end, the end.
and perhaps, a new beginning?

hardships will arise soon enough.
a frugal future is what it seems to be.
bleak, yet refreshing.
at the edge of survival?
no not yet. not to that point yet.

bitter memories will fade away slowly.
slowly, slowly, dripping like honey.
delightful opulent days will be over.
the taste of royal lives will tranform.

a dividend of each, spread amongst the four.
like a bargaining bazzar
oh how bitter it sounds!
bitter. bitter, yet gives slight sweetness.
clean, clean, clean!
clean away the dirtiness.
awaiting for a new cleansed future.

what do i feel? who am i?
i have not one slightest clue.
my god, my god, it's really happening.
dividing this and dividing that,
yet some weighing more than others.
it all seems so surreal.

interpreted as small talk then,
and now a reality.
i will pull through with my mother's determination
i will pull through - we will pull through,
with the help of the Lord Almighty.
Jesus, take care of us.

A Very Random Post

2009-10-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

hmm it's 12 am now.
i came home from my grandma's house. (i've been there since friday night, cos i slept over)
tomorrow i'm not going to church. i thought the people from the other church were going to call me.. i'm wondering if i gave them the wrong number, because i gave stephanie the wrong number?

i was kind of sad that they didn't call me.. i was expecting them to call.. kind of.

well i dont know which church to stay at. i'm contemplating. i should pray more about it.

yesterday night i deleted my almost finished csuf application online, and i re did it half way through. ( i just have to add the classes in again.. T_T) hm.

oh tomorrow, i'm not going to church. instead... i'm going to the mall... which isnt making me feel great. (like i'm going to the mall instead of church on sunday). but i don't know.

my dad's giving us all a hard time again. he's turned into a hermit... and not going to church ... AGAIN. i dont know what the heck's his problem. i just avoid talking to him. talking to him just makes it such a great hassle. his tone is always so forced and mean sounding. i absolutly hATE IT. so to avoid arguement, i stop talking.

anyways, i think he's getting sick sleeping on the couch that's next to the glass door. i feel kind of sad for him, yet then again, what can i do? he's on the computer the whole time.. it's sucks!

anyways next topic. (my my, what a random post)

i am doing terrible in ap english. it sucks so much.. im feeling that im going to fail that class..
i hope i don't. it's all because if calc. i spend a lot of time on it. and GAHH

speaking of spending a lot of time.. it brings me to think about sat.
maaaybe i should just stop right here.
bye guys.

JE-N-N-IFER

2009-09-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

I HATE IT WHEN MY NAME IS SPELLED WRONG!!!!!!!!!
I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!! D:
IT GIVES ME THIS REALLY UNSETTLING FEELING!

J E N N I F E R

ARRRGHHHHH

I'm STRESSED!

2009-09-23T20:49:00.001-07:00

i'm feeling like crap right now.
there is so much on my mind.. first off, mr. you-know-who gave me that suggestion about calc a few days back again. i was so intensely upset, that i broke down at my locker. i called my mom and asked her to pick me up. he probably had no idea how depressed i felt. i was so disheartened by that thirty seconds of speech.

i went to my grandma's house. and that afternoon, while i was still there, my grandma got trucked into the hospital room.. she never does her part.. never listening to us. so that is what's happened. she's still in the hospital.. waiting for that co2 to drop down about a hundred points.

anyways. i've turned in my application to become a thespian. hopefully all will go well. well.. that means that i can't drop the play anymore. i wished i could drop that.
that would mean so much more time to study for sats, college apps, calc.. :OEIHOGTIEN:OIJE

i'm feeling so pressured by everything. i'm worrying about how i'm going to get into college. my only hope is to be accepted into UCR. but then, keep up my calc grade at the same time.

i had such a cranky day today. my words were sharp towards sharon. she annoyed me with her billion ton of sorries today. GOSH HOW I HATE THAT.. (i guess i'm still feeling a bit cranky?)
then my english group. OH HOW I HATE THAT TAMBIEN. our group of four (excluding sharon and I) is composed of the leftovers. and. i believe that's how it's going to be for the rest of the year. i got a D in snippets. that was crap. i know i was crap. my grade is probably very low.. but i hope i did well on the essay. i feel pretty good about that, but last year, i felt really good on an essay and i.. didnt end up doing so well.. so i'm not expecting much.

and in physics.. i should've paid more attention in class yesterday instead of catching up on spanish homework. i missed some stuff.. just a bit annoyed at that. then for the egg drop project, it's due friday, and my friend said her dad would make it for us.. then last friday, she asked me to go over to her house at 8am saturday to help. i ended up falling asleep (spent the night at grandma's) and not making an alarm; thus waking up naturally at 9am, missing the time.
on monday, she told me that her dad told her not to work with me next time. gosh. how i hate myself now. i feel so scared towards her now. it's not the same anymore. i've regressed and she's progressed, as always. i feel like she hates me now.. she's a nerd. i want to be a nerd too.

okay then spanish. it's so hard. katherine said it was a piece of cake. well we have a test tomorrow.. and i think im going to do badddd on it. katherine shall be katherine. she's such a smart....... yeah. the climax of my crankiness was because of this class today. i hated it. so much. i
feel like i was disorganized. basically i felt like an idiot.

i said the "crap" word quite a few times this week.. which.. is pretty bad.

some good news:
hanging out with her this friday after fifth period.
and.. i might be able to work after theatre finishes...?

we'll see.. (was that even considered as good news?).. i can't wait to go to college.

that's it. i'm going to watch glee to end my day.

dejected.

2009-09-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

i think i should drop calc..
today three people recommended that i should drop it.

it's making me feel very sad and i don't know what to do.

i'm asking God, but is he giving me the answers through them??
i am confounded. i didnt ask for this.
maybe i did, i don't remember.

what do i do?

jennifer :: calculus : dogs :: algebra 2

An Amazing Story.

2009-08-30T19:46:00.001-07:00

This weekend, there were several things that occurred. First, studying for calc really failed, because doing and re-doing the problems get me more confused and tired.
(my house is SO HOT! it makes me so sleepy..) i went to the library on saturday, after dimsum (is that how you spell it?) at around 1:30-2ish. there, i studied with sharon. i always have to look at the answer sheet to start up my problems. it's really horrible. i hope i can get a high F on the test...

So the library closed at five pm. and by then, i got five missed calls from my mom. i didnt see my cell phone screen light up (i finally got my phone back! it feels so good again..). i called my mom back and she said she was going to ask/pick me up to see if i wanted to go to Downtown LA to help feed/clothe the homeless at a church/charity down there. so on saturday, i missed the chance.

after my brother and my mom came back from downtown LA, it was pretty late, like 10pm. They came back with a dazed look on their faces. my mom and brother experienced some very strong stuff i guess. i found out that the founder of the organization was a pastor from taiwan.. and what a turn did she take. my mom brought home her autobiography book. it was very interesting, i read 2/3 of it from 10pm-1pm. (i should've been doing math.. -_-)

Reading the book took me to ponder about God and my future for college, also a lot of other things too. I have to say, i'm SO thankful for a home, a shelter, caring parents, food, water, and basically a worry-free life! I fell asleep reading the book.

The next day, in the afternoon, my whole family and my mom's friend went with us to go to downtown to drop off a few boxes full of fresh mushrooms that were donated from my mom's church friends. when we got there, the pastor greeted us warmly, and told us her story and how she came to obtain a wherehouse to renovate a church, home, and place to spread the Good News for the homeless. It was incredible, my mom's friend who came with us was a new believer of a few months. She was moved to tears she kept saying,"your life is so bitter! your life has been so bitter!" I had to hold in my tears.

That church is run solely by charitable donations of food, clothing, water, etc. It's incredible how great her trust in God is. She has been through so much! at one point, she roamed the streets herself. She's a great diciple of God. I might share her story here.

Now, along the way to Downtown today, i thought about my life. I thought, what doenst the church down there not have? they have everything, except a doctor! this led me to think and pray to God about offering my future for these people. because, sickness is not uncommon if one lives a life roaming the streets (of filth, especially in downtown los angeles!). This incentive makes me want to work harder to reach that goal, and make it God's will for me.

I think it's incredible to live solely on God's calling, everyday; not knowing weather how or when donations of food, supplies, and money will come in; how sicknesses will be cured without a doctor in hand; how to fix the car. God really worked so many miracles in that woman. Through her, God raised the dead to life again, provided for her family, walked with her through the shadow of death, and so many others, that it's incredible for others to believe sometimes!

This woman is Amy Wang
her book: Woman At The Well

there isnt any online references or websites that show her book anywhere! i think that's kind of sad. this woman is amazing.

that's what happened this weekend.

Aquarium of the Pacific with the Cousins :D

2009-08-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

(: pictures from aquarium of the pacific. the BIRD exibit (: it was so fun! :D there was the touch pool too. too bad i didnt take any pictures or videos of that. today in general was really fun and tiring!

We finished walking through the aquarium in a few hours (10am-12pm). we took the wrong bus. well, not really. but i'll explain in detail in a later blog. i'm going to shower and go to bed!

i need to tune myself up for school. D;

i'll have to try waking up at 6am or 7am. (just as a warmer-upper) hah. my english sucks now.

here's a funny video of a very curious or confused fish prodding/eating the diver's blond hairs.. i mean, they do look like some type of sea anenome. hahahaha!

goodnight. i'll explain today tomorrow. (: byebye!

Bored & Sad

2009-08-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

i feel so bored and sad.

what to blog about..
oh i went to registration for classes today. i saw sharon, steve, brandon, joannee, mia, stephanie.. i think that's it. oh and i saw mister koyfman. o_o i pretended to not see him becasue i was scared. i'm taking his class again this year. i'm really scared. anxious. i had another school dream again. i'm getting really nervous.

i browsed through the book.. and i came to the conclusion that i should review before class starts.. :X

oh i know why i am sad now. i planned to go to the beach with my cousins tomorrow.. but it was cancelled because they have to stay at home to watch grandma. pfft. my grandma's getting really grouchy with everyone. :[ she's not like before anymore. she has a sharp tongue. and bites at every little thing they do. i feel sorry for them.
oh also church is having their little retreat today. boys and girls seperated. how fun is that? i remember that i missed last years. i feel so disconnected from church. i still need to settle with you know who. (or you dont know) i feel so guilty.. for holding this back. for making excuses in the past. for making it hard for both of us. i feel tired. i feel apologetic for breaking promises. i am at a loss of words..
oh another thing too.. just now i browsed the vbs picture from church. i feel so sad.. i wanted to do it this year.

anyways. oh we watched ponyo today too. it was really good. especially when you know that the producer drew every slide of the movie. o_o it's crazy, really. just thinking about it makes me confounded.

anyways. i'm finished here. i should go do some sat and shower to pass the time.
yay for school... full speed ahead. bye.

WEEEE

2009-08-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm in a dream! i'm in a dream. :[ can't i get out of it?
i finished watching full house. NO not that american version thing.. that korean drama that came out five years ago? haha! i'm catching up this summer. T_T

song hye kyo is so pretty~

she plays the main girl in full house ^^ pretty hm? pffft..

anywhoo. when i grow up. i want to go to korea to learn korean. no i'm not crazed out from the korean dramas. before i started watching dramas at all, i wanted to learn korean. i don't know why but i just want to learn it. the language seems very interesting..? i have no idea.

when i go to college, i'm going to korea! :D

becoming an actress doesn't seem bad either. LOL! haha just kidding.

i'll be looking foreward to the next two plays!

i'm actually reconsidering if i should try out for the coming play this fall.. i dont know if i can handle the work from calc.. :o to be honest, i'm kind of scared.

this whole summer, i dreamt of english, choir, and calc classes. i dont know why i had dreams about choir, but.. GAH i guess i'm unconciously anticipating too much. it shakes my nerves to think that i think about these things even when i dont want to.

i hope after december [college apps] i can rest my mind. BUT of course, i'll still be movtivated to do well in class, wont i? HA. HA. HAHAHAHAHA! D; i hope i wont catch that infectious disease anytime soon o_o

OH! full house season 2 is airing now! in august. ohhhh i can't wait for mysoju to upload it! i hope i can watch it by winter break! WHOOHOOOOO! :D <3

i'm done here. tomorrow's choir bonding day. bye world. (8

listen!

Fate by Why (Full House theme song) :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inMs3xOGx9g&feature=related

2009-08-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

wow it's been a while since i've wrote something here..
staples has been having (and still is having) alot of crazy penny sales! :D i'm waiting for my mother to come home to pick me up.

anyways this summer is over. it's over already.
my sat plans kinda failed at the end.. i watched two korean dramas this week o_o
coffee prince and full house. coffee prince was weird. o_o and full house is really good!
the second full house season is airing now! i'm going to wait for winter break to watch it then.
(20 episodes!! :D :D :D) can't wait!! :D
oh yeah i also watched corner with love earlier this summer.

i figured that i should just relax this last week before school registration and preparation for a new and last year in high school! yay for seniors! :]

anywhoo.. for the past few days, i've been sleeping over time like crazy. it feels really tiring.
the days before yesterday, i slept for 14 hours. and today i slept for 12 hours. o-o incredible, isnt it? i know some one who CAN'T sleep for over 12 hours.
i just think that's weird. can't everyone do that? hehehee you know who you are. :D

huh. well my plan now for school will be to study sats afterschool (i'll only have five classes) :D
and do homework. after college applications are in, i think i'll go get a job. (:

oh here's my schedule:
1. ap english - chu
2. physics - houghton
3. spanish 4 - robles
4. calc bc - koyfman
5. treble singers - sampson

hehehe i got this schedule LONG before all you other to-be seniors out there :D :D
well if you want to figure out your schedule, there's 1st and 5th ap english (first is really really full); 2nd and 4th physics, 7th ap spanish, anndd.. i think that's it!

oh i finished reading sound of waves.. i wonder if we have a test on the first day of school! O_O D: i hope not... blah there problably will be. and orals too T_________T
i'm halfway through reading it the second time.. i should finish soon, shouldnt i?

alright im going to end it here. bye!

To the Future! and Beyond!

2009-07-09T00:11:00.000-07:00

oh by the way, i got my ap scores today.. i passed on both bio and calc..
did you knwo i dreamt of calc bc? i dreamt that it was the first day of school, and i decided to transfer from stats to calc bc. so i went into the classroom (the new one) and then he was already teaching them stuff. and i was getting really lost. and i got really sad about it.
then i woke up and had to go to school. this was about a week ago, i believe. i dreamt about that the night after Urbien told us that you'd need calculus if you wanted to do economics in college.
then i started thinking about mister koyfman. how great of a teacher he really is, and how sad i was for not trying hard enough for the last two tests.

but the more i thought, the more i wouldnt need calculus for my major. i remembered when he told us that there was this girl who took bc and majored in ENGLISH later on. so that made me think really hard. besides, i barely passed his class with a C! he didnt recommend it to people who barely passed, but then i thought of one of my friends from church, he got a lower grade than i did in ab, and did incredibly well in bc. (with hard work, of course!) i'm not sure if i can do that.. i'm switching back to ap english. i've decided on that due to my major that i will pursue. (perhaps a science. medical or enviornmental, who knows?)

in medical school, i'd have to write alot. in science alone you'd have to write reports on findings, labs, essays. sighh.. so i decided i musn't be lazy and should jsut bear throught with ap english and NOT take the ap test. (:

sigh.. i dunno.. i guess i'm taking stats on the other hand. i'm kinda sad. i really want to prove myself to mister koyfman again. i felt like i let him down. he had so much faith in me. he always said that i could do it. but in the end, i felt like he was disappointed in me; but he didnt show it much. but i could sense it. i'm incredibly sad. i dont think i'm up for it! i really want to do it just for the heck of proving myself and to mister koyfman.

AHH what do i do? i dont want to regret this chance. i'll never see him again (long term) if i leave this chance. its the chance of a lifetime.
Mr. Koyfman's the best teacher I've ever had in my entire life, up to now.
I wish he wouldn't forget me, but that's going to be impossible. I'm not intellctually prominent enough to be remembered.. ];

what a long blurb. i'll come out of my misery.

*pop* hehe bursted my bubble.
bye. i should get back to the present.

Today and Its Upseting Dispute.

2009-07-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

today in government econ class, katherine suggested that we bring kites to the beach on the july 12th (for the NEW) key club officers bonding event. i'm not a new member, but i'm goin' anyways. i found out that people have forgotten about kites. or maybe this is just my wake up call. i was looking for kites everywhere today. kind of. i looked at walmart and target and even.. lowe's -_-. i asked a question on yahoo. and people said Toys R' Us sold them. interesting, huh? but katherine sent me a link on how to make your own kite. i think i'll just stick to that..

anyways that's just a little blurb on what i did today. the main topic of my blog here today is about something else. my friendship with one of my close friend has been slowly falling apart this year. i felt like everytime we fought (i'm talking about any of the times), i feel like i'm suppressed. i feel like she's always throwing these words at me.
our situations are so different. our lives always has been different. it's true. there are just some things that we just dont understand between each other. she can drive now; and i still cant.

lately, my dad has always been poking around. he suspects i'm in a relationship with this person. heck. can't i have any guy friends to talk to? seems like i can't. even when i asked to see if i could go to the beach bonding thing, he asked me how many guys (and later, girls) that are going. he always says "you're too young to hang out. that's bad" man. during this whole freakin junior year i haven't hung out.. i don't understand what's wrong with going out in the summer.

anyways. back on topic. it's too bad we talked about this online. you see, there was this situation where i asked her to see if she wanted to hang out.. but things didnt go as expected and thus, we did not hang out. perhaps now that our lives has been situated and is growing into each of their molds, perhaps it's just this darn year. i dont know yet. but it seems to me that it's just getting worse, becasue the realization really began at the beginning of this year.

yeah, i've done things with my friends, and she has too. there's a ton of things that are vaguely mentioned to me (from her) which i stand to be clueless. it's vice versa. she said it. it's the timing. perhaps? i dont know. i have some pet peeves that i dont think i ever mentioned to her. there are these things that she says and it just bugs me..

i dont know what the point of that last paragraph was.. it was just some rambling. i am clueless as to how much longer this thing will last or maybe it'll fix itself (like in economics..) but we'll see. we'll see what happens. where is this going to go God?

JULY 1ST!

2009-07-01T16:09:00.001-07:00

"Happy 1st of July, everyone! Hint: It's the day Jefferson procrastinated on a draft of the Declaration of Independence. He didn't? Oh? History says Jefferson was human. And as they say, 'I'm human, therefore I procrastinate.' Happy Procrastination Day"
- Jor-el Briones

i love that! BUT NO I CAN'T PROCRASTINATE!

so good day everybody!

P.S.
i got his permission here v
: could i get your permission to post your status on my blog?
: Yes
:Most definitely

~
COUNTDOWN: 21 days!

STOCKS! Good or Bad?

2009-07-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

buying stocks is like gambling.
or is it?

i think it sits on the fine line between good and bad.
i guess it's good that it's an investment. but it'll get bad when you get too caught up into it.
i've realized that stocks is indeed a very interesting thing. katherine and i were talking about how we could invest in stocks once we hit 18 so we could pay for tuition. (possibly, by buying the penny stocks..) or, at least we could relieve ourselves, somewhat. haha.

everything's so unpredictable. i totally thought that if i went with these stocks, (they were down when i bought them) they'd go up later on. geez. i hate the unpredictablitiy, but, yet at the same time it's interesting because i'm excited to come home and see if i gained money or not!

LOL!! so funny when i said that, because i've lost money the whole time.
day one: 130
day two: 668
day three: 656

sigh.. well at least my loss is going down? oi oi oi..

oh by the way, i have to give credit to juliet, who explained this stuff to me.
what determines if stock is good or bad is your heart and nothing else. it's all on your purpose on why you are buying the stock.

i feel if i ever played (real) with the stock market, my purposes will go astray. but i hope that wont be the case..

anyways, i'm finished here. i should get back to my studing/homework for govt/econ!
bye everyone (:

LAUGHING SPREEEE!

2009-06-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

i had a really weird spur of the moment just now! (well, a little before this time, it's over already). During dinner time, i was normal as always, just being myself. you know, just eating. then afterwards, i ate some honeybunches of oats cereal with milk.. then.. i had an incredible moment of LAUGHING. it was like some CRAZZYYYYY sugar rush!! i swear. it was nuts.

i was like laughing, cracking lame stupid jokes, acting really silly, poking my brother (HEHE) during the whole time afterwards. my dad almost got mad at me. :D :D

okay, then after that, i told my brother to laugh with me. we had a laughing contest. just out of no where, because i felt like laughin my head off. yes, i know really really weird!! we were just laughing and laughing and laughing... in the end, my brother won... my stomach started hurting, and i think the sugar just wore off!

i dont think you, reader, would want to see me go nuts like that! (yay jane eyre style of narrationg here!) xD

okay bye.

Jumbled togetherness.

2009-06-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

hello there, i think i'm starting to hate that person. D<>

whatever.. i guess it's finally a good time to move on, eh?

TRANSFORMERS 2 CAME OUT TODAY! :[ i really wanted to watch it! : omg this reminds me i asked the person like 1098376 times to see if that person wanted to go watch with me. freakin' always answered with sarcasm!!! >_> see what i mean when i had to expend so much energy!? yeah. anywho.

i'm going to go watch it with my brother. on friday afterschool hopefully. i need to watch UP 3D sometime soon too!! hm i should tell max about it. LOL.

OMG I GOT a letter telling me to take my senior picture on friday july 3rd 11:20am at the south coast photography place. that made me feel really sad.. about what? i'm not very sure. i think it's either fear of college, or finishing highschool, or anticipating those rejection/acceptance letters at the end of the year. i havent even gone thourgh apps yet! :[ God help me.

i think i'm finished here. man i talked about a lot of different things! o_o okay bye.

Dear diary,

2009-06-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

i am a very mean person.
i got this heavy weight atop my heart now.

sincerely,
me

A Happy Weekend!

2009-06-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

WHEEEEEEE i finally went to church today! it was really funn. pastor shieh did the sermon today. it was pretty good. he put alot of history in it. he said evolution is like saying the bed would make itself everymorning.. magically :] haha. i like the metaphor. he also said a bunch of stuff about descartes. O_O kinda complicated.. somone messed up on the powerpoint. i needed to read it outloud to understand it. it was like one of those "i know you know i know you knwo i know you know that i know you pooped" or something like that.. -_- yeah. but in all it was great.

i felt a bit mellow at the beginning, because i talked to everyone except my good friend.. :[ a bit saddened, but it was okay we talked at lunch.

today i ate really slowly! O_O i dont know why. gosh it had to be hot today. i like it though :] after lunch, i went over to pricella's house. and we played computer, cleaned, and slept. (: church people came over to her house to watch the lakers game.. in which neither her nor i were interested. we just ate. pizza. del taco. cheerios. THENNN we played MAO (ze dong or whatever) with josh wu, aaron wu, pricella jah, and joffrey hsu. (: it was fun at the beginnning, until STUPID JOSH had to create a bunch of stupid rules.. :[ made it so freakin' hard and frustrating. i guess if you play it and then look back on it, you'll think you had fun. i seriously was going to cry when i played the game.. -_- stupid me. UGH. but whatever i had fun i guess. then then after nearly everyone left, i switched the channel to happy feet, left it on watched it a while, then joined the texas hold 'em game. jason, pricella, and joffrey were playing it. then i played.. and i just realized that joffrey left o_o :[ anyways we played for pushups. :D pricella made hanson do all her pushups LOL AHAHA . :D

moral of the hold 'em game: NEVER TAKE JASON'S ADVICE. D<>

haha anyways i had a lot of fun.

:O i went to the Aquarium of the Pacific on saturday then went to the beach near by. it's a really nice beach! (Long Beach!) :D i thought the aquarium (compared to the one in monteray) could've been better in that i should have a section for the deep ocean! i didnt finish touring the monteray bay one. i think it was huge. i dont quite remember. i was so young. i'm definantly goign up there one day someday. hm but the good thing about the pacific one is that there is a lot of interaction stuff. for children too.. i think.. or is it i jsut saw lots of strollers? hahaha anyways. they had outdoor exibits too! it was cool! :D you should go if you've never been there before!

alright, i'm finished here. byebye! i had a wonderful week! school tomorrow.. ugh. bye :D

A wannabe Volunteer..

2009-06-10T21:50:00.001-07:00

i think i failed at life. i think if you can't find any volunteering positions, then you can't have a great application for college, then you can't get into that college, then you have to go to mt.sac, then i'll feel like i failed high school.

i wish i really went to apply for volunteer positions earlier. now? oh, no honey, it's too late to apply for volunteer now. besides, you're a little kid. no one wants little teenagers. they want big people. 18+. i feel like swearing now. whittier hospital - change of policy: 18+ only. Presbyterian Intercommunity Hospital - application period over. Aquarium of the Pacific - application period over. City of Hope - going to call tomorrow.

how much more can i fail? i wish i could drive on my own. i could do everything myself. i would be independent. i hate depending on people no matter who they are.. meaning family. i don't like to ask my parents for money. i don't like to ask them (or anyone else!) to drive me places. i feel like a burden to everyone.

now i'm so desperate to the point. where i would plead, or more like negotiate my way. reason my way into [having the hospital volunteer people] let me help them.
please! it's free of charge!

i just thought how ironic this whole volunteer situation is. so many students are looking for work. no, not paid work. we "kid teens" would fight for volunteer positions.. free of charge. we're begging to help people. and yet, so many of us get rejected. what the heck do those slogans mean - "Volunteer. you can make a difference"- when people can't even get a volunteer job. we do want to make a difference! we WANT. but we get turned away. we all want to help for the greater good. then why?? why?! why do we get rejected and turned aside?

oh, yes. i know. there aren't enough positions. i guess there's only one simple explaination. there's too many students. we people are an excess. might as well just have all the rejected students get together and do something together this summer. maybe.. it'll look even better when we put it on our applications. and perhaps, we'll find something we like to do.

oh.. what big dreams.

School's End. Week End.

2009-06-07T22:22:00.001-07:00

wow school's comin' to an end, i'm so excited!
but i still have a biology presentation, spanish oral, spanish project, english mock trial, and a rush test to go this week.. :[ i hope i'll be doing something fun the last day of school. preferrably with.. oh i don't know. ;D. i still need to get flowers for my senior friend!

i went to esther shim's house today with jessica wang, pricella jah, and sharon cheung. it was pretty fun. we diverted from the original meeting purpose so much! lol :X seventeen mag, college, parakeets, pictures, LOL! :D

hm i have anger issues again.. i think. i hate it. it budded from ap studying. i guess i just started getting all grumpy and the residue is still here.. :[ my walls of pride are built oh so high again..

sigh.. i looked at UCR's website yesterday regarding admissions. man. i dont even qualify for their freshman honors program. my gpa's too low. i'm freakin sad.. no more like i feel stupid. -_- oh well.. i guess the only colleges i'll be applying to is riverside, irvine, merced? (lol, if i make it, im not going to go.. unless i didnt make the first two O_O), san diego (?! i dont think i'll make it.), and santa barbera, maybe. oh man. everything's so complicated. i hope i won't waste my time this summer.. :[

200 Pounds of Beauty

2009-06-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

i just finished a korean movie, as the title of the post indicates. i wish the ending woulda ended more stereotypically.. :X i love stereotypical endings. haha.. anyways. it was such a great movie. now i'm feelin' all koreany. i wanna watch one of them dramas.

SPOILER.
so the love part of the movie.. makes me sad.. i wish hanna went for the guy the last time again. they woulda been perfect.. okay, maybe hanna would've been a bit too perfect. lol. [;

i cried during the scene where that guy reveals that he knows "jenny" is actually hanna.. ti'll the part where she starts ripping her stuff off the walls and hurts herself.. sighh.. i love the emotional parts. :3 i need to find someone to watch a drama with.. x\

Feelin' Mellow After Movie Watchin' Alone.

2009-06-05T22:14:00.001-07:00

i just finished watching the end of a movie that i started at school: August Rush. (spoiler..) i wish the whole family could have embraced each other rather than standing there.. :[ so after that movie, i watched brokeback mountain... which was definantly disturbing. o_o i thought the movie was kinda plain. plus i barely understood what ledger was saying. he was like muttering.. either that or i just dont understand the southern accent. hathaway was really really pretty in that movie.. ;]

so i watched that movie alone.. it gets pretty scary. i dont know why.. now i just feel kinda mellow about everything. it's that feeling again.. if you know what i mean. thinking about that person. how hopeless i feel. because at this point, it's impossible. nada. zip. zero. goose eggs. (where did that phrase come from again? i always say that.. but i forgot which book it came from. probably from some kiddy book.. :p)

i'm going to pass tomorrows sat 2 math2c and bio test with at least a 700.

Reflection and Attemptted Optimism.. laptop disaster

2009-06-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

So, my brother deliberately reformatted my laptop last week with my knowledge, of course. i lost all my junior year documents, some music, and lots of picture. the other stuff is on my usb..

and so, i rebooted/reformatted my laptop yesterday. as i did that, i thought of all the hardwork and efforts i put into all those documents. and the pictures! oh the picture. they're all gone. a picture is worth a thousand words. i must've lost more than 100 billion words.
the whole process took less than 30 minutes. thirty freakin' minutes. it takes thirty minutes to completely erase all the documents, files, music, pictures..basically, HISTORY you got in a laptop.
but i guess i can always look on the bright side. maybe my "life"was too full and filled with unneeded clutter. i guess i can call this a purging or even, a rebirth of my life. starting anew can't be that bad, can it?

Face it, we (present juniors) will most definantly have more hardships and assignments in college. YAY! We'll all be in "ap high school classes" when we get to college.. there wont be anymore "regulars" to take. :[

BUT isnt this all for our own good? what's there to life when there's not hardships or challenges? people must be challenged for our own good. just imagine someone who's life has been devoid of the thrill, challenges, hardships, and joys (resulting thus from the negative experiences) of life! when offered a chance at new life, i'm sure he'd take a stab at that.
--

i hope my blundering here helped my depression of the whole loss of documents thing..
did i make any sense whatsoever up there?

(i reread the post.. and i amuse myself...)

This weekend.

2009-05-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.. it was an interesting weekend. i spent it all at andersen's house with sharon helpin them do their apush project. mannn i'm so glad i didnt take apush this year! it would've been stressful.. :\ It's actually pretty fun working there. we sang and ate and slept and danced there.
I realized that his mom and my mom are verry similar! LOL i thought that was funny.

AAANNDD on saturday, sharon and i went to pricella's house to watch The Island (2005) for a biology presentation. i thought it was scary. But goodness gracious.. somepeople were like "i dont see how it's scary.." in a "GOSH" type of tone. :[ i felt kinda offended. i mean. everyone has their own opinions. and that's what i honestly felt.
hmm.. prolly the scariest movies i ever seen was the haunted mansion, the davinci code, and yeah basiclly that movie too.. :[

oh my mom got me a really really early birthday present. it's also a "good job" gift for studying so hard for ap's.. as she said. so this weekend, she happened to go shopping the first time in a long time without me! :[ but she bought me some accessories from coach o_o. so unexpected. it was a small pocket mirror and a small case (apparently, it was a pill case, but she mistakened the empty pill cases to be something to prop up the shape of the box. -_-) LOL .
oh well. I LOVE MY MOM! i love my mommm she's so nice to me. (:

hmm i went shopping at marshall's today. i got two new teeshirts. i need to get some pants though. where to buy comfortable pants? i dont really like wearing jeans. :\

School, Goals, Random Ramblings.

2009-05-30T00:21:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a wonderful week i had! I went out roaming about everyday this past week. i already feel the senioritis. we had the end of the year assembly today too. this year went past so fast, thank God. Only SAT subject tests are left for this year. i can't wait for the summer to come. i've planned out so many goals..
- practice piano insanely
- read lots of books: left behind series, (student) Bible, Pride&Prejudice (again!), I Kissed dating goodbye, letters from a skeptic, brisinger.. que mas?
- get on with those personal statements
- do them SAT books. T_T
- go get in shape. lose 10+ pounds!
- PRACTICE DRIVING
- learn how to use the sewing machine
- VBS @ efchh :D
- learn how to play chords on the guitar?
hmm there's more to come perhaps. hopefully, i can accomplish at least the first half of my goals.

OOOHH i can't wait for the day when i get to drive on my own in my own car with my own car perfume box thingy and those cute little stuffed animals in the back of the car. :3

what a nice little first post here. (: